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Saturday, December 28, 2002

Now that the dynamic duo of holidays (Triple X-Mas and Boxing Day) are over with, it’s time to move on to our (ir)regular matters of esoteric and digital nonsense.

Over the years I have been on the receiving end of many compliments for various accomplishments. It has always been my feeling that such compliments directed at me are pretty much unwarranted and one of my favourite ways of being annoyingly modest was to state “Oh that? It’s just a Trick of the Light!” (Simply amazing how many situations that little statement covers!)

“Tricks of the Light” were on my mind the other day as I pondered one of the more nifty XXX-Mas Prezzies I was lucky enough to receive this year; a lovely Faux Flame Lamp from Radio Shack. This fan-powered lamp is a little more noisy than I expected (darn stores with high ambient noise levels!) however, it is still darn purdy and a lot less unnerving than having an actual flaming cauldron laying around my bedroom.

Actually, I think that I’m developing quite the lamp fetish! I found myself ogling this gorgeous “Mystical 500-Colour Lamp” the other day and on further exploration of the website I also found this tre’ cool “Nature’s Music Bubble Lamp”. Not that I’m a “Nature’s Music” sort (when you live on an island surrounded by lots and lots of trees and nature and stuff it all gets a tad mundane) but, this particular lamp also has an external music hook-up so that you can pump it full of your own tunes. I have a feeling that those tiny bubbles would totally rock if they were hooked up to a little Aimee Allen or Avril Lavigne!

Further investigation of the Lifestyle Fascination Website turned up quite a few nifty toys and gadgets, including this Wireless Surveillance Detector. Apparently wireless audio and video monitoring is becoming a more and more common occurrence in our world (here’s a quick “Howdy” to Big Brother just in case he happens to be reading and we all know he is).

In fact, just the other day I caught a news special about the subject. The real hotbed for privacy invading wireless surveillance technologies turned out to be Taiwan (being the industrial capital of miniaturizing technology has certain advantages and disadvantages I suppose). What really peeked my curiosity were special lens filters that allowed certain video cameras to see right through certain materials (just like those funky x-ray glasses from the back of comic books!)

From what I’ve been able to discover, the materials most likely to be susceptible to this technology are petroleum-based (i.e. plastics), including synthetic materials like polyester and acrylic! That’s right! With the right kind of equipment, it’s entirely possible to videotape “fully-clothed” people wandering around as if they were naked or at least underwear clad! Talk about the ultimate in voyeurism!!!

Further research turned up some very interesting information about how this technology works. New technological developments in the area of “X-Ray Vision” cover so-called “T-Rays” and “Millimetric Waves”. Not related to current “voyeurism” technology, the primary applications for these developments will help atmospheric research, as well as possible methods for detecting hidden firearms and explosives. (Anybody remember the security screen scene in "Total Recall?)

Slightly more interesting, at least from a practical (if utterly scary) sense is the technology which is currently available. It involves some kind of quirk in the current generation of Sony Handicams’ “Night Shot” function, which, with the correct kind of filter (ADXIR) imbues the camera with the ability to “see through” certain materials.

I wonder just how long it will be before the next hot fashion trend is clothing that these technologies can’t penetrate? Of course, it depends on what sort of person you are… Perhaps we’re on the verge of seeing a very peculiar evolution indeed! Hmmmm, just what would you call a fully clothed exhibitionist who wears polyester on purpose? A Polybitionist?

Just out of interest, you may enjoy BRD Security Products for all your counter surveillance needs! I especially like their “disguise kits”! I just might have to get myself one of those “Viking Beards”!

That’s it for this episode of “The (Gun)Man from S.P.A.C.E.” and our look into tricks of the light!

Agent Double-O Negative signing off!

posted by Kusari 12:05 AM

Monday, December 23, 2002

It seems that the holiday season is upon us yet again. Like most years I have noticed that quite contrary to the spirit of this season (you know what I mean: Peace, Love, Joy, Goodwill, ect…) a lot of folks are actually quite strung out and rather grumpy. This seems like quite a shame to me, so the following bits are my little attempt to bring a little fun into the world.

How many times during the holidays have you caught yourself thinking "Darn, the world would just be so much better if I ran it..."? Well, how here’s your chance!™ has everything you need to take over the world and re-mould it into your own image!

Struggling with credit card bills after buying your kids the latest and greatest in video game consoles? Why not use a Portable Doomsday device to blackmail a small nation for a few billion dollars?

Sick of your crappy office job? How about building a completely subservient a Clone Army of yourself? (I mean, if you can't trust yourself, just who can you trust as the template for your Evil Clone Army?)

Is your wife nagging you to take out the garbage yet again? Nothing will shut her up faster than a Mark V Shoulder Mount Laser Cannon!

And don’t forget to check out their awesome links! Evil Realtor is especially useful for when you want to find that perfect secret base for just getting away from it all! And who knows? You just may find the perfect match to end your lifetime of miserable suffering with Fatal!

A rather popular thing for Blog writers to do is take various quiz’s, with the idea of helping their readers to get to know them better. Well, I’m a fan of quiz’s as well, however, if I see yet another completely unscientific garbage quiz from I just may burst a blood vessel. So, instead of offering the same drivel, I’d like to offer a slightly different take on their trashy personality quiz’s.

For instance, here’s a lovely quiz where you can discover if you are truly able to tell your Elbow from an Asshole (I managed to get 10 out of 14).

One of the things that I’ve had to face with the end of my marriage is the fact that some day I may actually have to enter “The Dating Scene”. This prospect completely freaks me out, especially after scoring less than 50% on both of these Female or Shemale tests! (Not that I have anything against transgender type folks, to each their own and all that! It’s just that I never want to have ~anything~ against transgender type folks!)

The original Female or Shemale Test & The Female or Shemale Test 2

What good is a fun bestowing article without a little toilet humour? Not much I’d say! Soooooooo, for all you Terrance and Phillip fans out there I present the pre-eminent source of fart humour on the Internet: If it’s fart related in any way, these guys have it! From the highest quality faux doggie doodie, to stink bombs, to self-inflating whoopee cushions to over 1000 “Farts of the Day”!

My personal favourite is their “Fart Sludge” which makes “…some of the most realistic fart sounds this side of Uranus” and you get a discount if you order over a dozen or more cans at a time!

And if you're really clever, you can combine suggestions from™ and to figure out some "truly unique" ways to take over the world!

Well, if all that stinky humour wasn’t enough to lighten your day, I don’t know what else could do the trick, unless it’s the 12 Days of Kitschmas. Filled with some of the tackiest holiday gifts that I can imagine (except for the Adam and Eve Salt and Pepper shakers, which are actually tre’ chick), this site is practically guaranteed to lift your holiday spirits!

Well, that’s it for this installment of The Lonely Gunman, my mondo thanks to all those folks that send me cool sites, keep them coming!

posted by Kusari 5:34 PM

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